The Time Has Come to Stop Drooling Over Straight Cock

At a moment in time when we can openly embrace an array of erotic proclivities, why do so many gay men choose to be the closeted high schooler?

I can point out any straight bro from the waist down. Their calves are usually minuscule in comparison to their pecs; their shoes are often woefully inappropriate for the occasion. My eyes do not wander anywhere else, and besides, even if they did, there is nothing to see. I have no interest in wading inside those oversized SpongeBob SquarePants boxer briefs.

I am a proud Gayist. With the ironic exception of my best friend—who practically could be gay, anyway—I only correspond with straight men out of necessity. This was not the case for the first 20 years of my life, when I was closeted and obsessively into sports—though bereft of athletic talent. Prior to coming out, I didn’t socialize with a single gay person, and that didn’t change for years. My foray into the gay world was limited to my Tinder screen and Grindr grid. Luckily, I lived near Boston College, so the sexually repressed jesuit boy was always within reach.

But here’s the thing about that sexually repressed jesuit boy: He sucks. His allure is solely tied to his illusion. In reality, he’s awkward and gruff, if he even shows up at all. Hooking up with him is a demeaning and objectifying experience, and not in a decadent kinky way. He comes and then he leaves, never to sign onto Snapchat again.

Even in 2021, there is an irritating portion of gay culture that’s centered around lusting after men who have no sexual interest in you. Who is your celebrity crush? Which pro athlete do you think is … you know? It’s regressive. The forbidden fruit is not as satisfying as the fruit you can eat. I believe Socrates said that.

Recently, Neil Patrick Harris said he thinks it can be “sexy” for a straight actor to play a gay role (clearly he has not seen The Prom)—provided they invest in the character. “Who’s to determine how gay someone is?” he asked.

Well, I usually start with asking somebody whether they’re into dudes. But that’s a silly detail.

The idea of casting straight men to play gay roles minimizes our experiences. I know that sounds like woke garbage, but it’s true. There is a certain perspective that comes along with growing up as the “other” in a heteronormative world. A straight actor can immerse himself in Tom of Finland’s works and watch as many Drag Race reruns as he pleases. But the fact is, he doesn’t know what it’s like to be gay, just like a white person doesn’t know what it’s like to Black. There’s a depth that’s missing.

Most of all, fetishizing the reluctant straight dude seems backward and deleterious. We are at a moment in time when we can openly embrace an array of erotic proclivities. Why choose to be the closeted high school kid?

That’s what I find most revolting about an attraction to straight guys: It reeks of self-loathing. My high school crush was an asshole football player who pounded Bud Lights and belched in friends’ faces. At the time, I was too self-conscious of my gayness to wear any colors besides black and navy blue. There’s an obvious correlation between the two.

The sexual appeal of straight guys for gay men is rooted in a toxic attraction to masculinity. Gay men are more drawn to masculine-looking faces and rate prospective partners who describe themselves as masculine more favorably than those who describe themselves as feminine. This make sense, because we live in a society where masculinity is valued, and femininity is considered suboptimal. That is the whole point of “masc for masc.” You must wash with Old Spice to even be worthy of a reply.

We are long past the point where this poisonous mentality should be eradicated once and for all. And the worst part is, the Straight Dick, unlike the MAGA Dick, isn’t even good.

It brings the psychological terrorism without a willingness to bottom. We can do better.

The Gay Goods is dedicated to engaging with a range of opinions and viewpoints. To share yours, email editor@thegaygoods.com.

About Alex Reimer More Articles
I used to work in sports talk radio. Now I'm writing for a gay porn website. Follow me on Twitter, @AlexReimer1.
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Paul
1 month ago

In defense of NPH, over 40 years ago the late (straight) John Hurt brought Quentin Crisp to life in the teleplay Crisp’s memoir The Naked Civil Servant. Crisp wondered if he should go on doing his hysterical live performances, since ‘John Hurt is a much better Quentin Crisp than I am!’

Stanley Tucci and Colin Firth, both straight, star in a soon to be released drama, Supernova, about a gay couple, one of whom is dementing. It looks powerful, and I don’t think Ian MacLellan would find anything exceptional in the casting.