What the Fuck. Literally.

What happens when you post literal readings of porn scenes like an overly ambitious film student?

Actors are always being applauded for being brave enough to play unsympathetic characters—Charlize Theron got an Oscar for playing Aileen Wuornos (and getting ugly for it)—and there’s usually some form of, “They really don’t ask the audience for sympathy” in the compliment. Which roughly translates to, “They’re not afraid of the audience confusing the role with themselves.” And you wonder, who is so literal-minded that they think Charlize Theron is actually a serial killer?

I think I found one.

Str8UpGayPorn is a lot of things, but perhaps most noticeable is its absolute insistence on taking every single porn scene literally. You couldn’t have a pizza delivery guy getting his dick out in the middle of his route without Zach Sire worriedly writing about the customers whose pizzas are now delayed and maybe cold. What if a fun date night is now ruined by this unprofessional pizza guy? What if a child had to go to bed hungry because his Hawaiian pizza never came, because the delivery guy was? (Although anyone who orders a Hawaiian pizza deserves to go to bed hungry.)

Particularly absurd is Sire’s recent post about a scene between Collin Simpson and Lance Hart, in which Collin visits—and fucks—his psychiatrist. The violation of ethical codes and oaths is mentioned before the fucking, which tells you something about Sire’s mind. He ponders the question of consent—again, this is a fictional scene and Lance Hart is not a practicing therapist and there is a lot of paperwork before scenes are filmed anyway, so real-life consent has been granted—questions whether Collin will need additional therapy now that he’s come out of a trance balls deep in a man, and then conjures the specter of Donald Trump to cap it all off.

Just in case you were worried you’d cum too fast.

But oddly, he makes no mention of Dr. Hart’s wedding ring. Seems like a real missed opportunity for him to sermonize on the supposed immorality of cheating. As for me, I’m worried that maybe Sire is right and all porn is actually documentary. Nah. Talking heads in documentaries don’t have this many abs. (Sire is right about one thing, though: Collin did need more therapy, and just went back to Dr. Hart again.)

But for those who understand the concept of fantasy, why not try something along these lines?

The Gay Goods is dedicated to engaging with a range of opinions and viewpoints. To share yours, email editor@thegaygoods.com or comment below.

About Mark Durane More Articles
When he was a little boy, Mark's mother set the house on fire. (She was like that.) He'll never forget the look on his father's face as he gathered him up in his arms and raced through the burning building onto the pavement below. And he stood there, shivering in his pajamas, and watched the whole world go up in flames. And when it was all over, he said to himself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"
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